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Cruisin' downtown in a camaro, REO Speedwagon on the stereo

Title: The Acid Test Of Heterosexuality
Fandom: Eyeshield 21
Rating: PG-13
Length: 1348 words
Summary: Jumonji's pissed after Hiruma subjects him to a penalty game for fucking around during practice. He returns home to discuss this with the other two components of the Ha-Ha trio.
Warnings: Lots of cursing. Also smoking, as this fic is set early in the Ha-Ha brothers' football careers.



The front door of Jumonji's house slammed against the wall as he kicked it open, cursing loudly. He stepped inside, and then slammed it behind him, hard enough to rattle the picture frames his mother had lovingly arranged on the walls of the entryway.

Togano, who was lounging on Jumonji's couch with this week's copy of Jump, looked up for a moment and gave him a quick wave: “Yo.”

“Fucking hell,” Jumonji said as he kicked off his shoes and stripped off his jacket. “I can't believe that asshole. Where does he get off torturing us like this?”

Togano shrugged and returned to his manga. “You brought this one on yourself.”

“You shouldn't have told him that he was a controlling douchebag. Not, you know, to his face,” added Kuroki, who was seated cross-legged on the floor, playing some fighting game on Jumonji's Playstation 2.

“Fuck that,” Jumonji said, dropping his jacket on the floor and walking over towards them. “Hiruma can make me play his shitty game, but he can't tell me how to talk.”

He glanced down at Togano, who had made himself very comfortable on Jumonji's couch in his absence. For some reason, the sight of him relaxing like that pissed Jumonji off. “Hey, Toga, give me a cigarette,” he ordered.

“Fuck you, get your own,” Togano said automatically.

“I need a smoke real fucking badly. Quit being a dick and just give me a cigarette.”

“Too bad. Should have stopped at the store if you needed it that bad.”

“I did. That witch-titted old hag was the one working the register. You know, the one who actually remembers to ask for fucking ID.”

“Tough luck,” Togano said.

Jumonji leaned over the couch and glared right into Togano's eyes. Togano tried to ignore him, but after a few seconds the invasion of his personal space got to him and he unwillingly looked up, acknowledging Jumonji's presence.

“I have just spent two and a half hours doing laps around the school,” Jumonji said, enunciating clearly. “With Hiruma literally on my back, calling me a pussy and smacking me on the back of the head whenever he felt like it. With Hiruma's fucking dog chasing me, so I couldn't ever slow down. I have had a miserable fucking day, and right now I need a smoke like nobody's business and I don't have any because some old bitch is bitter that she's menopausal and can't get any action. Give me a fucking cigarette.

Togano sighed and put down his magazine, reaching into his pocket. After a few moment's rummaging, he pulled out...an empty pack of cigarettes. “Sorry, man, I'm fresh out,” he said as he shook it upside down to make a point.

“Go choke on something,” Jumonji said, turning away from him. “Kuroki, give me a fucking cigarette.”

“In a minute!” Kuroki said as he hammered the buttons on the controller furiously. “Come on you little bastard, hold still and—no, no, no! Fuck!”

Kuroki threw his controller to the ground in frustration as his polygonal figure was knocked out of the ring by the computer's polygonal figure. “Lost with a fucking ring out! A fucking ring out! I can't believe this shit!”

“Yeah, that's great,” Jumonji said, disinterested. “Now, the cigarette?”

“Oh, right,” Kuroki said. He reached into his back pocket and produced a small pack of cigarettes, which he offered up to Jumonji. “I'm surprised you're back, though. We figured you'd be stuck out there for another few hours at least. He was really pissed at you.”

Jumonji took a cigarette from the pack, and reached into his pocket for a lighter. “I probably would have been,” he said as he lit up, “but I lucked out on one thing, at least. Anezaki came by the school to do...something or other, and she managed to make him stop. Balls of steel on that girl.”

“She hasn't got any balls at all,” Kuroki pointed out.

“It's a figure of speech, numbnuts,” Jumonji said, smacking him in the back of the head as he sat down beside Togano.

“Ow, fuck,” Kuroki said, rubbing the back of his head. “I knew that.”

“Right,” Jumonji said skeptically. He leaned back, inhaling on the cigarette. A moment later he breathed out a lungful of smoke. “It'd be pretty fucked up if she did have a pair, though, eh?”

“I'll say,” Kuroki laughed as he started his game up again. “There'd be a lot of disappointed guys around the school.”

“Fuck 'a lot',” Jumonji said. “Try 'all of them'.”

“Except Nakamura,” Kuroki interjected. “The one in our class. I'm pretty sure he's a fairy.”

“Right, except for him. The rest of us would have to deal with finding out that the ass we've been staring at all year belongs to a guy.”

Kuroki laughed out loud at that. “Ha! Not fucking likely. I mean...look at her.”

“Tell me about it,” Jumonji said. “The only good thing about this whole American Football bullshit's been watching her when she's not looking.”

“It almost makes up for Hiruma's bullshit,” Kuroki said.

“Not even close, man.”

“Alright, alright, fine. But she helps make it suck a bit less.”

“I won't deny that,” Jumonji said. “On a scale of ten, I'd say Anezaki's at least an eight point five.”

“Fuck that,” Kuroki said. “She's at least a nine.”

“I don't think she's that great,” Togano said, still reading his manga.

The other two's heads whipped around to stare at him.

“Huh!?” Jumonji said.

Huh!?” Kuroki demanded.

“Huh?” Togano said as he looked up at them, a puzzled expression passing over his face. “Guys, she's...she's alright, I guess, but nothing really spectacular. Sort of plain, really.”

Kuroki and Jumonji both stared at him for a few moments, unsure what to say. Jumonji found his voice first. “You mean you...don't want to bang Anezaki?”

Toganou was still puzzeled. “Well, I mean if she climbed into my lap I wouldn't say no, but I don't think that's very likely for me. Unlike some of us,” he added, giving Jumonji a pointed look.

There was another moment of awkward silence, during which Kuroki and Jumonji found themselves edging slightly away from Togano.

It wasn't just that Togano didn't like a girl they thought was hot; They knew how to deal with that, it involved shouting and creative cursing and possibly a short fistfight if the girl was sufficiently hot. It was the specific girl in question. Within the halls of Deimon High School, Anezaki Mamori was almost universally considered attractive. Even people who were normally into in other types of women would admit that she was really something.

More relevant than this, however, was the joke that got passed around the boys' locker room when the teachers weren't paying attention: that Anezaki Mamori was the acid test of heterosexuality. If you didn't like her, they said, you probably didn't like any girls.

Jumonji and Kuroki looked at each other, and then back at Togano, mentally reassessing their friendship and checking it for hidden subtext.

“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” Togano asked, looking from the one to the other. “What's the big deal about—oh.” Realization pass over his features and he held up his hands as if warding off their accusatory glare. “You mean Mamori. Oh, yeah, she's a killer. I thought you meant Captain Anezaki. From, uh, Bleach. You see, she's—”

“Not interested,” Jumonji cut him off automatically, relief flooding his features. “You had us worried there for a second, Toga.”

“Fuck off, I was only half-listening in the first place. Reading One Piece is way more interesting than the bullshit you call a conversation.”

Kuroki puffed up at that, and a moment later they were fighting again as if nothing had ever happened, and Togano was eternally grateful for two things: First, that everything was back to normal. And second, that neither Kuroki nor Jumonji could be bothered to read Jump. If they did, they would have known that there are no Bleach characters named Anezaki.
Tags: eyeshield 21, fanfiction, the ha-ha brothers are underappreciated
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