PikaBot (pikabot) wrote,

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Why do movies suck so badly?

It's upon us now-the horde of summer movies masquerading as entertainment. Not the least of which is Troy, which has been made completely lawsuit-proof by bearing resemblance to the Illiad only so far as featuring Achilles, Paris, Hector and the gang. That's where the resemblance ends.

All right, that damned horse is in it too.

But that's not the extent of it-although is did feature impressive battles, they all suffered from what I call SCBSS- Shaky Confusing Battle Sequence Syndrome. In other words, the camera shook so much, and so much stuff was moving, that it was actually impossible to determine whom was killing whom. It had its moments, true, but the only real excuse anyone could possibly have to blow ten bucks on this movie is to see Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt naked. If that's your thing, fear not-this movie has copious amounts of both. Otherwise, you would be well advised to stay away.

Don't get me wrong, though-this movie's not bad, merely mediocre and untrue to the original text, which is exactly my point. There are so many movies released during the summer that it's difficult to separate the good from the bad from the mediocre without actually seeing the movie.

I think the first movie I saw in theatres that was actually bad was The Hulk. How exactly did they screw up the Hulk? I mean, you'd think, just have big, green and stupid beat some people up, and throw some stuff around, and the geeks go home happy, right? Wrong.

They first made error number one for any movie based on another text, being untrue. I mean, the comic book worked. Gamma bomb, explosion, banner goes boom, everyone's happy. Instead they made up some crap about genetic manipulation and nanomeds. I mean, what the gay? Biology/mechanics (I'm not sure which Nanomeds would fall under) weren't even Banner's field of study. And what's this Crensler crap? Apparently, everyone in the world knows his real name is Banner, EXCEPT FOR HIM. Arrgh...

The second mistake they made was never having Hulk interact with a real person. EVER. The closest he gets is shaking some guys out of a tank. He never picks up and throws people on camera, never sends them flying with a backhand slap, etc. This is prepostorous. I mean, sure he's pure computer graphics, but so was Scooby Freaking Doo, and he somehow managed it (Scooby-Doo was a much better movie, BTW).

The third is something that really irks me-innovation purely for the sake of it. I mean, Jesus H. Christ. What was up with that double-screen thing? And that irritatingly stupid death of Talbot? God, stupid editing makes me retch.

I had a point when I started this, but I forgot it now. Oh yeah, one more thing-Eleven days, Twenty-two Hours, Twenty Three Minutes and Fourty Four seconds until school ends. YAY!

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