PikaBot (pikabot) wrote,

Oh god why do I do these things

OK. I'm not even giving this a proper header. This is seriously horrible, and I admit it up front. Basically this is a piece of Soul Eater fanfiction that would be rated NC-17 except that there's almost no actual exposition; it's just the dialogue. So I have no idea how this would actually wind up.

OK, so, I was surfing the internet and I saw this scan from the latest issue of Gangan. I jokingly commented on how the picture's a total sausage fest except for Maka, and joked that "if I were of a more dirty-minded persuasion, I would state that this is grounds for a gangbang fic."

Unfortunately my AIM buddy list is full of people who enable me to do horrible things. And so here we are. A gangbang fic with the characters pictured above. And With Kidd choreographing it so that it maintains symmetry. God this is awful.

"Kidd, this is ridiculous," Maka said.

"It is not."

"Yes, it is!"

"Silence! If we are going to do this, we are going to do this properly!"

"I don't think it's possible to do a gang-bang properly," Soul pointed out. "It's very improper behavior, isn't it? That's what makes it-"

"Enough! We will be doing this the right way, or we will not be doing this at all!"

"Oi, says you! You're not even doing anything!"

"I am the one appreciating the beauty of it and ensuring it meets proper standards! The director, if you will."

"We don't need a director-"

"Come on, either you're in or you're out-"

"I'm not letting you-"

"Shut up, everyone!" Maka shouted.

Silence fell.

"You morons are all giving me a headache! Just let him have his way, it'll be faster than arguing with him."

A pause.




"Thank you. Now, as I was saying...Maka, spread your legs widely. Ox-kun goes between them. The vagina is his. Be sure to line yourself up precisely-"

"I know. Right down the middle, right?"

"Correct. Now, on the ground below Maka is Black Star."

"Oi, you said my name wrong."

"...no, I didn't. Your name is Black Star."

"No! It's Black*Star!"

"...that's what I said."

"No, it isn't. You forgot the '*'"



"Nothing. Very well then, Black*Star. You are on the ground beneath Maka. Line yourself up properly with her. I trust I don't have to tell you which orifice you will be penetrating."

"Ha, of course not! I wouldn't be as big of a man as I am if I'd forget something like that!"

"Actually, that's quite the opposite reason for why you were chosen for this position."

"The mighty Black*Star is here to-hey! What did you mean by that?"

"Nothing at all. Now, Harvar..."


"If you could just position yourself up here near her mouth..."

"You mean like this?"

"Yes! That's perfect!"

"Hang on, Kidd. He can't go there."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Because if he's there, he's actually behind my head."

"So? You can reach."

"Yeah, by craning my neck way the hell back. I'm not doing it. I'd have the worst neck pains in the world tomorrow."

"Hmph. What about the other side?"

"Ugh, that's almost bad. Can't he be off to the side?"

"Of course not! That's...that's..."

"Fine, fine. I can deal with it. But he'd better not try to choke me."

"Of course."

"Now, that's settled. Finally, Kilik, Soul--"

"One on each side of her, with her hands. We're not dumb, Kidd."

"Is that a sick joke?"



"Of course you can't be on each side of her! That would throw the symmetry right off!"



"...alright, I'll bite. Why would that make things asymmetrical? I mean, there's one of us on each side, it balances, right?"

"Of course not! You two aren't the same at all! Kilik, your penis is almost half an inch shorter than Soul's."


"Calm down, Kilik. The man's got a point."

"I'm not going to sit here and take this-"

"Shut up! Let's just get this over with."

Another awkward pause.

"Fine. What do we do, then?"

"It's simple. Kilik, you straddle her waist like so...yes, that, exactly. Soul, do the same just a little bit higher on her body. Perfect. Now, Maka, reach around Soul and grip Kilik with both hands. There! Perfectly symmetrical!"

"Hey Kidd," Soul complained, "what am I supposed to do from up here? If you think I'm going to be the only one who doesn't get some..."

"What are you complaining about? You're in the perfect position to...oh, what is the vernacular term...ah, right. 'Tittyfuck' her."

A pause, this one tainted with disbelief.


"I realize that it's not optimal, but this is the only way to maintain bilateral symmetry."

"This isn't just 'not optimal', it's-"

"Don't you dare say anything," Maka warned.





"It's impossible! She doesn't have any titties to fuck! She's flat as a board-ow, fuck that hurt!"

"That's it, I'm done! All of you, off of me!"

"Wait, Maka, come back!"

"No. Forget all of you. I never have to put up with this from my vibrator. Good bye."

A door slams.

"Good work, Soul."

"Oh, like this is my fault, you line-headed freak!"

"What a waste of my time. I could have been studying..."

Kidd sobbed. "I'm so worthless..."
Tags: fanfiction, oh god why do i do these things, soul eater, terrible ideas, why

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